Parenting, homeschooling, and working from home simultaneously can seem like an impossible task...and in theory it is. Parents are being challenged to wear multiple hats and switch them all day long. Marital communication and connection can take a backseat out of exhaustion during this stressful time, however I encourage you to allow your marriage help boost your strength instead of feeling like another thing on the “to do” list right now.
I am a therapist...and a parent of two young children who is working from home during this Coronavirus pandemic along with a spouse also working from home...so I am living this reality right now and deeply understand this challenging experience.
Here are some strategies to safeguard your marriage while co-parenting little ones during the Coronavirus pandemic…
COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION...the number one rule in marriage. For parents and spouses working from home during this unprecedented time, commit to coordinating your work calendars. There is no such thing as too much communication when juggling parenting and work schedules when everything is happening under the same roof. I recommend sitting down when the children are asleep one week ahead of time to loosely map out “kid-duty” blocks. Revisit your work calendars Sunday night before the week ahead as schedules become more concrete. Then, each night confirm you are on the same page for the following day about schedules. A digital synced calendar can streamline the process, however, cannot replace face to face dialogue. Communicate with your spouse if you have important meetings where office privacy (no children barging in!) and (relative) quiet are priorities. This is an opportunity to show care for your spouse...a small act such as taking the children outside to play during your spouse’s important videochat meeting can decrease the overall stress level and help foster good will towards your spouse.
Find ways to connect as a couple...creativity is essential when quarantining. Surprise your spouse with a kind gesture...it can go a long way in terms of buffering against the stress. Try taking the kids for a drive during your “kid-duty” block on a Thursday and pick up a latte for your spouse (via curbside delivery). Everyday can feel like groundhog day…so find ways to make the weekend days feel special and different. Perhaps you can make pancakes and bacon for breakfast on Saturday to distinguish it from a Tuesday. Once the children are in bed on weekend nights, create a “date night in” and use this time isolated at home to focus on each other. Find an absorbing new series to binge watch together or enjoy a leisurely late dinner and unpack the last week. Check in with each other...what is working...what is not? Learn from each week about what went well. How can you continue to refine your teamwork as parents and in your working roles?
Blow ups will happen...expect them. Emotions are often amplified during times of stress. When frustrations escalate, how you recover as spouses is the greatest indicator of long-term relationship success. Think of your emotional temperature on a scale of 0-10 (0 being calm, 10 being greatly distressed) and if you notice you are in the 7-10 range, step away from the situation to cool down. Oftentimes when you enter this emotional danger zone, you are flooded and rational thought is harder to access. Dialogue is often counterproductive when one spouse is in this “hot zone.” Draw upon your coping skills to find a way to lower your emotional temperature. It is most important to return to your spouse to calmly discuss the frustration. I find many couples gloss over these issues and over time resentments build without any healthy dialogue to process the conflict. Keep in mind that “healthy dialogue” does not mean that you need to agree or even be on the same page. It means that you can respectfully disagree at times, hear your partner’s perspective and empathize, and find some compromise if a decision is needed. Perhaps it is a rainy day and your toddler is on his 4th tantrum of the morning...your spouse walks in and asks why the Wifi is not working and says your Instacart order just got cancelled due to high volume...this brings you to an 8 on your frustration scale. Step away- put in your headphones and do a ten minute guided meditation...or go for a drive to put gas in your car...find a way to reset. Return to your spouse and give them context for your escalated emotions...find your healthy dialogue.
Find humor. Laughing is therapeutic and can instantly diffuse tension in a household. If you are parents of young children, we all know they can say and do funny things. Share some of the humorous moments with your spouse at the end of the day and let the laughter wash away the stress. Who would have ever thought you would be working from home, homeschooling and parenting WITHOUT childcare?! This chapter will end and many simple things will feel like luxuries….childcare, working in a private and quiet office, sending your child to school to learn.
Aim for a Flexible Routine NOT a Rigid Schedule. Consistency and routine are helpful for everyone, however, leave room for things to deviate and opportunity for spontaneity. Perhaps you planned a creative alphabet learning activity for your daughter for your morning block of “kid-duty” time, but the weather is spectacular and she really wants to ride her bike...go with it...draw letters on the driveway with chalk instead! Save the prepared activity for tomorrow. Find the path of least resistance...it can work too.